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About Literature / Hobbyist Member Bill, Bilbo, Jackass, Bastard, Sick Fuck, Cruel son of a bitch and Rapist of small animals and men.Male/France Recent Activity
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My mother had gall bladder cancer. She now does not. She is a pile of ashes that once had, I estimate roughly 30-50 tumors in it before becoming that pile of ashes. I do not know why I am writing this. Whining is not really my style. Not anymore anyway, please do not read any of the deviations from 2008 and before, and I really mean that.
But as you can probably surmise, my mother is dead and has been at least for a short period, considering cremation has already happened. But unless you are very familiar with your cancers and their prognostics, I seriously doubt you know how long I have known that my mother is dead. Precisely 5 months today. Do you know why? Because 5 months ago, my family were told the results of a Biopsy on a small growth in her gall bladder and that the whatever type of scan it was, had picked up something else in her liver. When I got that confirmed diagnosis, with the unknown growth in her liver, I knew my mother`s chances of survival were somewhere in the 1 in millions. Simple medical knowledge.

I lived with this knowledge, as did my older half-sister, for 2 and half months not telling anyone in the family or out how bad it really was. I let them hope. Then about 2 months ago, I got news my mother had worsened to the point of entering what I will call the final phase. This is the point where any sane atheist wants to beat to death any christian who dares tell them that euthanasia is not a moral act. I would have gladly killed my own mother at any point in the last 3 weeks I spent with her alive. Because of how incoherent she was due to possibly tumor induced focal aphasia, or just medication and pain induced confusion, I do not know if her many highly agitated, helpless, uncomprehensible outbursts were asking for comfort over fear of dying, or asking to die. I am inclined towards both, and just asking for general relief from incredibly unrelenting pain in several different major parts of her body at once.

There was no relief from this. And, by an unfortunate series of events for which absolutely no-one will ever be to blame unfortunately for my selfish subconscious, I was alone with her for 6 hours as she descended from just slowly dying in the same way she had been for 19 days, to that extra special level of hell that was to be her last few hours alive. My only real help or relief arrrived an hour or so before she died, by which time I do not think she knew nor cared who or what was with her. After my pure panicked afternoon I could not actually stay in the same room as her, and therefore was sitting in the hospital garden, in a state more catatonic than any patient with the condition in their psych wing, when she actually died. I was not told until 2 hours after it happened. I think. I may have been, but just did not register.

Now that I have made you really uncomfortable, know this: I was relieved when I got that news. It was the first good news I had had in 2 months.

Why I am I spewing this so late after she died? Because I finally reached breaking point. And no-one who really knows me should ever be allowed to find out. My girlfriend, who is my world, whom I would go through a hundred times the entire experience again to keep happy, does not and will never know. But I need an out. And this is it.

My whine is over. You may go back to reading neurotic half-joke journals and suicide threats by 13 year olds now. Or complaints, or whatever. I just do not really feel like I would be interested in the fact that you read this far. 

Fuck it.
  • Mood: Winter Downs
  • Listening to: A french guy boring me with his computer shit
  • Reading: what i'm writing.
  • Watching: the same as last time.
  • Playing: Asshole with that guy.
  • Eating: my tongue.
  • Drinking: nothing(but I will be oh I will be^^...)


Bill, Bilbo, Jackass, Bastard, Sick Fuck, Cruel son of a bitch and Rapist of small animals and men.
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
I am a tired asshole who, to the majority of people who are reading this, is probably being antagonistic. If this is the case, then understand this to the fullest: Unless I have taken the time to try and reason with you properly then I do not give a fuck about you or your ideas beyond a good laugh. If I have already insulted you then I consider you inferior in intelligence and unlikely to fully understand the meaning of my point anyway. If I have called you kiddo, then I probably see you as highly naive/highly inexperienced/mindblowingly stupid.

Live with it, you fuckwit.

Otherwise everything is a joke.

Current Residence: Northwest France
Favourite genre of music: Certain rock/metal, mostly symphonic or similar.
Favourite photographer: Don't have one.
MP3 player of choice: An Ipod.
Wallpaper of choice: Kara no kyoukai varied. If you know what that is tell me.
Skin of choice: human. I can't see it being anything else.
Favourite cartoon character: I don't have one.
Personal Quote: "The only certainty in existence is uncertainty."

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RunsOnPixiStix Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I sincerely hope you're happy. I hope your day is going well and I hope you have a lovely weekend. I don't understand why you like to be so negative (I guess you think it's entertaining) but I hope you're happy in life right now.
Totally-dead Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Define "negative".
RunsOnPixiStix Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Opposite of "positive". You bring people down instead of lifting them up.
Totally-dead Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
... When I say "define", I mean give examples, how precisely, what led you to this conclusion, etc...

Not one sentence that is no better than a dictionary definition in a conversation on specifics. Which, bizarrely, is what this is.

You need evidence and more for accusation, if even your accused has no idea what you mean.
MocaDeluxen Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I've realized I speak some really half assed bullshit whenever I drink coffee while upset
KillThePaint Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014
does the same thing happen to you with alcohol?
MocaDeluxen Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Not quite what I meant haha
It's been months ever since I've commented that you can just go back to your business
KillThePaint Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014
k cya
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Bonne idée ca (il me manque de cedille ici) ... des poèmes bi-langues :)

Nice to meet another writer and I greatly appreciate your gallery. This way of writing is very interesting :heart:

FabulousEmma Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student General Artist
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